By Earl Boretz
There’s an adage stating
that every family should have a member who’s an attorney, and Mo’s is
no different. The name of the attorney in his family is Shady.
There was never any doubt in anyone’s mind that Shady was destined
to be a shyster. At a very early age, he could tell a very convincing
lie. The guy could stretch a short, insignificant story into
something that would challenge “War and Peace” in length.
Shady could have gone one of three ways – a car salesman, a con man
or a lawyer. He never could decide, so Shady’s made up of equal parts
of all three.
name on his office door really cracks me up, “Dr. Shady.” It sounds
more like a soft drink. He dresses like a flim-flammer. You’d only
know his profession by the size of his wallet; it’s twice the size of
a normal billfold.
After graduation from law school, Shady focused on the most lucrative
areas in law. He tried entertainment law, but there just aren’t
enough cats in the field. And he couldn’t represent Lassie, or the
101 dalmations, or any other canine star, because he’s afraid of
dogs. He explored the possibility of water litigation, but, you
guessed it, he’s afraid of water.
Shady got a brainstorm – he would become an ambulance chaser in the
tony Beverly Hills and Brentwood areas of Los Angeles. So he grabbed
his attaché case and wallet, and was off to work. He listened to his
police band radio. Paydirt! The call he was waiting and praying for
came. He ran to the scene, and glanced around to see whom he would
represent. In other words, who would be worth more in court. As he
was collecting names of witnesses, the howl of a siren became audible
in the distance. Then catastrophe! When the ambulance came close, the
sound of the siren scared the you know what right out of Shady. You
might say he was scared s––tless. At least that saved cleaning his
litter box. Well, back to the drawing board.
Shady saw an ad in the newspaper for an attorney, for a company that
creates special effects. Anyhow, his office is next to where they
produce thunderstorms. With the first flash of lightning and clash of
thunder, Shady was off in a flash (pardon the pun) with his tail
between his legs. He is thinking of sing Mother Nature, but these
effects were artificial. No one knows her address anyway,
You would think Shady
would’ve given up by now, but he still had a couple of irons in the
fire. He thought over his options and decided to become a
politician. But what exactly and where? He didn’t have a lot of
money for a campaign, and he needed a place where he’d be a shoe-in.
He focused on the Aleutian Islands, but that was part of Alaska, and
would require a legitimate vote. So he decided on the North Pole, but
the whole place is melting on its own. He felt any more hot air would
require an environmental impact report.
Then it struck him. How
about Antarctica? "That’s it!" he thought. He headed there in June.
Unfortunately, he was in the dark until December. I say unfortunate
because Shady’s afraid of the dark.
Well, our boy was down to his last iron. But again, inspiration struck. Now
Shady lives on welfare. He splits his year, living the dark months of
the North Pole in Antarctica, and the dark months of the South Pole in
the North. Since Shady is shady, it all works out very well.